The Love Lounge #6 w/ The King of Hearts

Tonight, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  Earlier this week, The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) opened a challenge to the entire UCBW locker room.  That challenge has officially been accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Find out their identity tonight at UCBW CageMatch!  The show is sold out, but we will admit many comedy wrestling fans on our standby line at the UCBW Arena.

Leading up to tonight’s show, the leader of The Royal Court has been presenting his own unique sex advice column all week long.  Here is the final entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I’m a 24 year old man and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about three months now.  Whenever we go out, she never offers to pick up the check or even go dutch.  I end up paying for everything!  I want to treat her, but it’s breaking my bank account and I worry that she’s using me for money.  I don’t want to be considered ungentlemanly.  How can I broach this subject with her?
Sincerely,
“Todd”

Dear “Todd,”
Based on your statement that your relationship is “breaking your bank account” I can infer that you are not from a noble family with a large inheritance.  Therefore you are not from a family with superior genes. Therefore you should kill yourself.  If you aren’t some sort of royalty, you aren’t anybody, and you shouldn’t exist.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2
The Love Lounge #3
The Love Lounge #4
The Love Lounge #5

You can continue sending in your own romantic conundrums to be solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

The Love Lounge #5 w/ The King of Hearts

Tomorrow, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I am 18 years old and have the best boyfriend in the world.  The problem is, he’s older than me.  Significally older.  Like, 20 years older.  He’s been on this earth more than twice as long as me!  I know that it shouldn’t be a big deal, and in the past it hasn’t been, but for some reason now it’s starting to bother me and I don’t know why. I mean, he’s almost 40!  Am I shallow?  What should I do?
Sincerely,
Cradle Robbed

Dear Cradle,
In the wild, when predators hunt their prey, they usually target one of three things: the elderly animals, who isn’t a fast as it used to be; the baby animals, who are too stupid and inexperienced to escape; and the sick animals, who are weakened by their ailments.  This helps ensure that natural selection takes place, and that the strong survive.  It sounds to me like your relationship encompasses all three of these types of animals: he’s old as fuck, you’re young and stupid, and you’re both sick for dating that far out of your age group.   I suggest you both do the world a favor and help speed up the process of natural selection by killing yourselves.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2
The Love Lounge #3
The Love Lounge #4

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

The Love Lounge #4 w/ The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I am a 25 year old man in love.  But there’s a problem: the woman I’m in love with has a boyfriend.  I really want to tell her how I feel about her, but I’m worried that it’s “wrong.”  What should I do?
Sincerely,
Coveting Loveting

Dear Coveting,
You’ve got to tell her how you feel.  The longer you let your feelings fester inside of you, the worse you’ll feel and the more the problem will grow.  You know how you feel about her and you know what you want: so tell her!  By being honest you’ll feel better.  Then, when she tells you that she loves her boyfriend more than you, you’ll kill yourself.  Then I’ll feel better.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2
The Love Lounge #3

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

The Love Lounge #3 w/ The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I’m 22 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for the past three years.  This summer I had an internship in another state and ended up getting drunk and hooking up with someone else.  It was just a one night thing, and I haven’t told my boyfriend yet.  I love my boyfriend very much and don’t want to jeopardize our relationship, but also don’t want to feel like I’m not being honest. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,
DO NOT tell your boyfriend you cheated on him!  At least not yet.  The fact that you cheated on him in the first place means that he is clearly a genetically inferior mating choice.  I suggest that you instead continue cheating on him with other partners, preferably people close to him.  That way, when your genetically inferior boyfriend finds out, he’ll be more upset than he would be knowing you just cheated once, and more likely to end his life.  You would be doing the world a favor, as once he killed himself he wouldn’t be able to spread his sickly genes.  If you are attractive, I suggest you cheat on him with me.  But you probably don’t meet my standards, and should kill yourself as well.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

The Love Lounge #2 w/ The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I am a 27 year old woman engaged for the first time in my life to a wonderful man who already has three children.  I’m very much in love with him, but he is extremely involved with his ex-wife about child-rearing issues.  I don’t mean to be jealous or resentful, but I wonder if he has room for me in his life.  Do you think I should go through with the marriage?
Sincerely,
Bride to Be

Dear Bride,
My answer to your question is dependent upon whether or not you’re attractive. If you are attractive, then I suggest that you go through with the marriage, but only after being impregnated with my royal seed.  This will force your future husband to rear children with superior genetic material to his own.  Upon realizing how worthless they are compared to my spawn, his biological children will kill themselves, leaving him with plenty of time to take care of you and my offspring. However, if you are unattractive, I suggest that you do NOT go through with the marriage.  Ugly people should not breed and do not deserve happiness.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

The Love Lounge #1 w/ The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column starting with the below entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three months now, and we haven’t kissed yet.  We’ve done everything else, but he won’t kiss me on the lips!  I’m 22, and he’s 25.  He says it’s because he kissed so much in past relationships that he just “isn’t that into the whole kissing thing anymore.”  Don’t you think that’s strange?  I feel like it’s causing a lack of intimacy between us and I don’t know what to do.  Help me King of Hearts, you’re my only hope!
Sincerely,
Wishin’ For Kissin’

Dear Wishin’,
I agree with you that it’s very strange of your boyfriend to not kiss you on your face, but I think I know what the problem is.  What I need you to do is take a very close look at yourself in the mirror.  Upon doing so you’ll discover what’s going on: you’re ugly.  Your boyfriend is trying to do you a favor.  By not kissing you, he’s decreasing the odds that he will throw up on you out of disgust. It’s not uncommon for men that are far less attractive than me, the King of Hearts, to settle for baboon-ass-faced trolls such as yourself.  But don’t worry, there is a solution. All you need is a paper bag and an extremely tight rubber band.  Put the bag over your head, then make sure it stays on with the rubber band around your neck.  It should be tight enough that you can’t breathe.  Leave the bag and band on until you die.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.