An Open Letter to UCBW MegaStar Uncle Eddie from Fesh

Dear Edward Edison,

We haven’t talked since the August 12th, 2010 edition of CageMatch, where I “turned” on your tag team partner, The Fire Man. I don’t know if you stuck around to see my explanation as to why I did this. I don’t think you did, because I can’t believe you would be stupid enough to compete in match as dangerous as a Tables, Ladders & Flags Match after hearing how quickly your fans will turn on you, no matter how right you are. I’m sure you think that your love for America is mutual; I assure you it is not. I Googled Uncle Eddie, and you didn’t even come up. Also, let’s not forget this is the same country that turned your opponent, Mr. Olympia, we’re talking about.

And on a more intimate scale, the UCBW Galaxy who chant “USA!” because they are told to, are far worse than the average American, because they pretend to care. Tell me, did one of them approach you after the show to see if you or The Fire Man were okay? No, they came up to ME and told me I did great! Do you think any of them have a hard time sleeping because their thinking that your partner, Jared, might actually lose his life fighting a fire? No, they can’t sleep because they’re waiting to see him spill his blood for them in the basement of a grocery store.

Hunter S. Thompson once said that “…we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” And to be completely honest, Eddie, I cried when I read that, because I thought of you. I thought of you taking pizza boxes and tennis rackets to the head, thereby shorting your career not only as a wrestler but as a Con Edison worker, as well as shortening your life, for the approval of anyone, let alone the hypocrites that insult hipsters because that’s what’s cool right now, who want to get on that stage and perform only in hopes that they will one day get on TV or in movies and read the trash this country gobbles up, selling what souls they have left for money to spend on extravagant things starving kids in the third-world would find unnecessary, eventually being in the tax bracket that looks down on blue-collar workers like yourself. Any way you slice it, Eddie, you’re killing yourself for a group of people who would forget about you in half a year if you died in your match at AutumnSlamn. Do you think they remember Leviathan or Hot Topic? If they do, it’s only to impress the other fans with their UCBW knowledge, because it’s all they have in life. As soon as they find something else, they’ll drop you. Can’t you see that? I know you feel alive in the ring, probably more alive than anywhere else, but I worry that it is also where you will be found dead, and I do not want that to happen to you, because believe it or not, I do care about you. You are better than this. Come Saturday, October 23rd at midnight, I will not be at the UCBW Arena. I will be at home in my bed, praying that you are in your’s.

Sincerely,
Your Friend, Fesh.

P.S. I did not sign anything saying UCBW could use my likeness for UCBW WrestleSlamMania 2000, so I demand my character be taken out. Please speak with Chuck McMahon or whomever is responsible. Thank you.