See the UCBW MegaStars every Thursday at 11 PM at the UCB Theatre's CageMatch, and special Saturdays at midnight for Pay Per View events.

Follow us on twitter! @UCBW

"If you think that pro wrestling—with it's soap opera story arcs, fake moves and silly costumes—couldn't be funnier or more ridiculous than it already is, watch it get mocked by these UCBT performers."
—Time Out New York

"The WWE is pretty hilarious on its own, but the UCB Theatre’s wrestling federation, the UCBW, pays such good attention to the details of the genre, it feels less like a satirical mockery and more of a hyper-hilarious homage to the dramatic sport. It’s impossible not to get caught up in their hysteria."
—New York Press

"The price of admission gets you a whole seat, but you only need the edge."
—Flavorpill

To submit a MegaStar application, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

Aug 17
Permalink

The Love Lounge #1 w/ The King of Hearts

The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column starting with the below entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three months now, and we haven’t kissed yet.  We’ve done everything else, but he won’t kiss me on the lips!  I’m 22, and he’s 25.  He says it’s because he kissed so much in past relationships that he just “isn’t that into the whole kissing thing anymore.”  Don’t you think that’s strange?  I feel like it’s causing a lack of intimacy between us and I don’t know what to do.  Help me King of Hearts, you’re my only hope!
Sincerely,
Wishin’ For Kissin’

Dear Wishin’,
I agree with you that it’s very strange of your boyfriend to not kiss you on your face, but I think I know what the problem is.  What I need you to do is take a very close look at yourself in the mirror.  Upon doing so you’ll discover what’s going on: you’re ugly.  Your boyfriend is trying to do you a favor.  By not kissing you, he’s decreasing the odds that he will throw up on you out of disgust. It’s not uncommon for men that are far less attractive than me, the King of Hearts, to settle for baboon-ass-faced trolls such as yourself.  But don’t worry, there is a solution. All you need is a paper bag and an extremely tight rubber band.  Put the bag over your head, then make sure it stays on with the rubber band around your neck.  It should be tight enough that you can’t breathe.  Leave the bag and band on until you die.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

Comments (View)