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—Time Out New York

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To submit a MegaStar application, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

Aug 18
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The Love Lounge #3 w/ The King of Hearts

This Thursday, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I’m 22 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for the past three years.  This summer I had an internship in another state and ended up getting drunk and hooking up with someone else.  It was just a one night thing, and I haven’t told my boyfriend yet.  I love my boyfriend very much and don’t want to jeopardize our relationship, but also don’t want to feel like I’m not being honest. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
DO NOT tell your boyfriend you cheated on him!  At least not yet.  The fact that you cheated on him in the first place means that he is clearly a genetically inferior mating choice.  I suggest that you instead continue cheating on him with other partners, preferably people close to him.  That way, when your genetically inferior boyfriend finds out, he’ll be more upset than he would be knowing you just cheated once, and more likely to end his life.  You would be doing the world a favor, as once he killed himself he wouldn’t be able to spread his sickly genes.  If you are attractive, I suggest you cheat on him with me.  But you probably don’t meet my standards, and should kill yourself as well.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

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