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Aug 19
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The Love Lounge #5 w/ The King of Hearts

Tomorrow, UCBW CageMatch returns from a one-week hiatus.  The King of Hearts (accompanied by his associate, UCBW Women’s Champion The Jewish American Princess) is set to open a challenge to be accepted by one brave UCBW MegaStar.  Leading up to this week’s show, the leader of The Royal Court will present his own unique love advice column.  Here is the next entry.

Dear King of Hearts,
I am 18 years old and have the best boyfriend in the world.  The problem is, he’s older than me.  Significally older.  Like, 20 years older.  He’s been on this earth more than twice as long as me!  I know that it shouldn’t be a big deal, and in the past it hasn’t been, but for some reason now it’s starting to bother me and I don’t know why. I mean, he’s almost 40!  Am I shallow?  What should I do?
Sincerely,
Cradle Robbed
Dear Cradle,
In the wild, when predators hunt their prey, they usually target one of three things: the elderly animals, who isn’t a fast as it used to be; the baby animals, who are too stupid and inexperienced to escape; and the sick animals, who are weakened by their ailments.  This helps ensure that natural selection takes place, and that the strong survive.  It sounds to me like your relationship encompasses all three of these types of animals: he’s old as fuck, you’re young and stupid, and you’re both sick for dating that far out of your age group.   I suggest you both do the world a favor and help speed up the process of natural selection by killing yourselves.
Go pee in the woods and kill yourself,
KOH

The Love Lounge #1
The Love Lounge #2
The Love Lounge #3
The Love Lounge #4

If you’d like to have your own romantic conundrums solved by The King, please e-mail UCBW.info@gmail.com.

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